– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Friday night party time 🥳
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER: