cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
this has done me in for some reason
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Basketball
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year