wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
You Might Also Like
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.