COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
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co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.