What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
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Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
are they though??
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.