[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
We’ve all been there…
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Thrilling chase underway
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.