They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Incredible customer service.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Lunatics are gonna loon.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.