How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
courtroom exchange of the day
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.