Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
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A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
#Caturday
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.