Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
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Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?