why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
the three branches of government
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
my friends when i can’t do basic math