Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Had an epiphany today.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
three things we don’t talk about
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
these two trucks have the same bed length
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.