soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.