Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
You Might Also Like
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
#Caturday
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
i love modern commerce
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*