*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
You Might Also Like
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*seductively corrects your posture*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?