If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.