They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.