Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”