People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Before crowbars crows drank alone
getting groceries
Introverted vegans go meetless
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify