For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
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me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”