I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
mechanics be like
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..