Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
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If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Actually cracking up @ this
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.