If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*