Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
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Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My what?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
S M O L
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks