HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
britain’s three elite institutions