Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I never needed anything more in my life
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Mornin. * use accordingly
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Cutest fight ever.. 😊