setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Spring cleaning checklist…
Lmao
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck