“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
You Might Also Like
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Jupiter
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.