Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
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my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor