[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
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Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
the best thing i’ve ever made
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
tis the season
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher