When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
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me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.