People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
i actually laughed 😩
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.