Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*