I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem