Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
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WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser