I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂