If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.