Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*