When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music