pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Me My dog
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Ha.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*