God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest