i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
📽️movie date🎞️
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.