[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
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Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[eulogy]
line?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner