[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Just so funny
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.