I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.