I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
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Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My love language is hissing.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.