[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
subtitles are so good nowadays
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Yes my dude
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.