I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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mom gave me mine for free
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
😍😂🥰😂😍
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later