Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead