do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
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[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Warm pools make me nervous.